This almost makes up for Qwikster

Dear Annette,
Thank you for being a Netflix member with a DVD subscription. As a gesture of thanks this holiday season, we'd like to offer you a free bonus DVD rental to supplement your DVD subscription. Simply click here to redeem.
We hope you enjoy this bonus, and Happy Holidays!
–Your friends at Netflix

On the other blog, thoughts about starting a Twitter account.

For Occupy, will 2012 = 1968? Interesting look ahead from New York magazine.

Stuart's take on Zooey Deschanel:

She is understated. Human. Even more so than Martin Freeman whose main crime is not being Simon Jones, which is odd because Zooey is neither Susan Sheridan or Sandra Dickinson. But unlike either of those her Trillian seems like someone you could meet at a party, fall for, but who'll ultimate leave with some other, spacey guy, unless she's in the mood to make you think better of yourself, work through your low-self esteem and one day make you cool.

Love the photo with the post (part of Review 2011, which you really should be reading). I'm starting to understand her appeal, though I wouldn't say I'm a fan. Thank you, Stu.

Dream

Claritin has been giving me weird dreams lately. Last night I had a dream that I knew was about death. I was riding in a van over a highway overpass, wearing a white robe. Then I was at an airport. I checked in at the counter, which resembled a regular baggage check-in and had red walls in the background. Funny thing was, there were no signs indicating the destination. There was no anxiety about it, though, just a peaceful and mildly happy feeling during the whole journey.

Maybe I need to take Claritin on a less regular basis.

Our Tragic Universe

Continuing my fascination with author Scarlett Thomas, I downloaded her latest sci-fi and chick lit blend, Our Tragic Universe.

This time our protagonist is Meg, an author of paperback novels and book reviews, who lives with an awful boyfriend and a dog named Bess (affectionately known as "B"). I've noticed that Thomas often has a claustrophobic quality in the setting of her novels. In PopCo, the protagonist is at a retreat with her coworkers she can't get away from. In The End of Mr. Y, it's a world inside your head that you have to make your way out of. In Our Tragic Universe, it's a foggy little seaside town, the relationship Meg seems to be stuck in, and a set of financial circumstances that prevent her ever getting around to doing what she really wants, which is to write her "real" novel (and find true love, of course).

Early on, Thomas sets up one of the central ideas of the novel in a (fictitious) book Meg reviews, The Science of Living Forever:

According to Kelsey Newman, the universe, which always was a computer, will, for one moment-- not even that -- be so dense and have so much energy that it will be able to compute anything at all. So why not simply program it to simulate another universe, a new one that will never end, and in which everyone can live happily ever after? This moment will be called the Omega Point, and, because it has the power to contain everything, will be indistinguishable from God.

The consequences of the Omega Point being that every human will be resurrected and never die again. But Newman gives an out of the Second World (the current universe we're living in) with the Road to Perfection, a sort of blueprint to get to heaven, attained only by "becoming truly yourself, and overcoming all your personal obstacles."

Hmm, it's all very New Age-y (and sketchy). Funny enough, it's based on a real theory by physicist Frank Tipler. The theory seems meant more as a jumping off point than anything else. No, Meg doesn't really buy into it. But how does she explain the seemingly supernatural occurrences in her life, which, it seems, are many?

Thomas also uses the "Omega Point" theory for winding discussion of story that continues throughout the book -- the "storyless story" versus the simplistic formula story of a paperback sci-fi novel, and the "storylines" that occur in real life.

And in this novel. Several times I wondered if this novel was a storyless story. It's not, but it is close to that. It has a dense, winding, talky, inconclusive way about it. It is frustrating for a reader not to get that emotional payoff at the end but I respect Thomas is trying to do something different from a conventional novel and not just forgetting to give it a true conclusion. There's less "happily ever after" here than in her other novels, which brings it closer to real life. Good if you like realism, bad if you're looking for an escape.

I liked Our Tragic Universe as a book of ideas. In that respect it matches the smartness of her other novels. Really an interesting discussion of the supernatural and fate and the idea of the story. And Thomas can't go wrong with writing a likable female lead who I wish was my best friend. But even for a close to storyless story I wished there was more of a sense of it being finished. Call me unsophisticated, but I wanted something *amazing* at the end, and I was left disappointed.

The Oprah phenomenon

Caitlin Flanagan has the best explanation of the Oprah phenomenon that I've read:

Oprah, more than any other broadcaster ever, understands the ways men can hurt women, and it is this knowledge—hard-earned and openly shared with her audience—that has allowed her to forge such a powerful bond with her fans. That she can move so easily between episodes about, on the one hand, rape and domestic violence and, on the other, shopping and decorating, demonstrates not a lack of focus but the fact that she understands the full equation of the female experience, in ways that few others before her have.

Really a great article that weaves together the full range of Oprah.

Bleak week

Last week was one of the worst in recent memory. I was facing a development that rocked the work boat to the extreme. Meanwhile most of my friends were facing different (and far worse) crises of their own, making me both sad for them and hesitant to burden them with my comparatively lightweight problems.

I feel so tired of the daily routine. And I've really been doubting myself, more than usual. I'm not half as important as I used to think I was. I have stopped thinking I'm smart. I've never thought I was pretty. I don't know how to write anymore. I am lonely and don't think I'm a good friend to anybody.

I don't really like November. Cold and cloudy, short days, winter jackets. The cold months get me down, this year is no exception.

I'm definitely entering a new chapter of my life, work-wise. Things are not going to be the same, and it's not really by choice but I have to deal. Not only at work but otherwise, too. I started up my 30 things blog with the idea that I'd try some new things, and I have. I've done more than I've written about, actually. I've read through Walden again and got myself a Twitter account, I've run a 5K and listened to some fantastic new (old) music. Joni Mitchell, where have you been all my life? It has been invigorating (until this week anyway, when everything came to a screeching halt) but it's also been a thoughtful time, where I haven't even cared if I've shut myself in the house for a whole day reading or listening to an album a couple of times. Sometimes I feel like the "solitary me" and the "work me" wouldn't get along if they met each other. I am two different people, I wonder if this is a bad thing?

I guess being sad sometimes is a natural part of life. I've dealt with it horribly, though, and I haven't been accepting of it as a process. I've blamed myself and berated myself. I haven't been honest about my emotions. Maybe the best thing to do is just be vulnerable and experience it then get over it, not fight it or try to cover it up with things like food or shopping or working too much. Then I will feel OK again.

Love this from A Nun's Life - Madonna wanted to be a nun at one point: "By time I was in the fifth grade, I knew I wanted to be either a nun or a movie star."

What's it like to run in a 5K? Read about it here.

Quote from the late Andy Rooney: "A writer's job is to tell the truth."

The tiredness continues. This morning I was really tired, like "I should not be awake, this might be dangerous" kind of tired. I woke up at 5 to go over my notes for the reading group tonight. Should I cut that out of my life, because it's too much work? I don't know. I don't want to.

I've also been getting into a routine of waking up with a jolt at 3 a.m. I am usually able to fall back asleep right away. Still, it is weird and I wish it didn't happen.

Anyway, I think sleep will be good medicine tomorrow. I promised myself not to start on the chores until noon.

Photos

Sleepy

I think I'd be a lot better at my job if I got an extra hour of sleep every night. I woke up today and thought, if I could just sleep in until 8 a.m. I would feel *so good.* But no, into the shower, point the blow dryer at my head, sit at the computer all day. I've discovered that napping after work just tricks you into thinking you can stay up until 10, thus making you feel even worse the next day. So it's just tiredness until the weekend. One day away. I don't drink coffee in the mornings, I'm starting to understand why so many people do...

My OWN addiction

I seriously think I could get addicted to OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network, in case you didn't know). It just became available on basic cable. Yesterday I started watching "Our America with Lisa Ling." It was about transgender people. It was the second episode I've watched (the first was about faith healing) and I think it's a great show. A sensitive look at the issues without dumbing them down. "True Life" without any of the trashiness and actually featuring some people over 30.

Today I saw Lisa Ling tweet about Season 2, "The shows are AMAZING, I swear." If it was anyone else I might think they are super arrogant. But in this case Season 2 just might be AMAZING.

On my other blog: The Third Man.

From Netflix

Dear Annette,

It is clear that for many of our members two websites would make things more difficult, so we are going to keep Netflix as one place to go for streaming and DVDs.

This means no change: one website, one account, one password…in other words, no Qwikster.

While the July price change was necessary, we are now done with price changes.

We're constantly improving our streaming selection. We've recently added hundreds of movies from Paramount, Sony, Universal, Fox, Warner Bros., Lionsgate, MGM and Miramax. Plus, in the last couple of weeks alone, we've added over 3,500 TV episodes from ABC, NBC, FOX, CBS, USA, E!, Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, ABC Family, Discovery Channel, TLC, SyFy, A&E, History, and PBS.

We value you as a member, and we are committed to making Netflix the best place to get your movies & TV shows.

Respectfully,

The Netflix Team
........................................................................................................

Thank God!

On a different note, Qwikster sounds like a cute name for a hamster.

Five days off

I took five days off work this week. It's amazing how many of the "have to"s of life have gone away this week. I don't have to get up at 5:05 a.m. I don't have to drive home in afternoon traffic. I don't have to make a list of have tos and check each one off one by one.

I guess I've never really noticed how much anxiety every obligation creates. I've tried to notice this week when a knot of anxiety bubbles up. One did yesterday. I was waiting for my sister so we could go to lunch. She was ten minutes late. I started worrying, did she forget? What are we going to talk about? What if she doesn't like the restaurant I chose? I sat there on my bed, waiting, worrying.

Then I said to myself, why are you even worrying about this? Like I was talking to a small child I told myself to take ten deep breaths and get a glass of water. I don't have to do this. If my sister never arrives I could sit on my bed all day and no one would care. If she arrives two hours late, we'll go to lunch two hours late. Not like I'm on a schedule today. Something inside me let go and the worry floated away.

I checked my text messages. From my sister: "Of course I'm running late but I'll be there soon. :-) sorry, I suck."

I started playing a puzzle game on my iPod Touch. I hardly ever play games anymore. I think they can be a waste of time. Usually I have other stuff I deem more important. But not this week. I sat there and played it and enjoyed it. My sister came by at 1:30, we had a nice lunch then watched TV reruns (another thing I usually consider a time-waster but allowed myself to do this week).

I suppose this week just makes me question what are the things I really do need to do, that are worth some anxiety, and what are the things that I stress about when I shouldn't. Maybe there is a pathway out of anxiety somewhere in this week.

Day 2 of vacation and I'm looking to see if there is enough dust accumulated on my desk to make dusting worthwhile. I think the answer is yes. Darn.

Happiness for Life?

What I wrote Tuesday:

I was looking forward to my two days off SO much, but the weird thing about days off is sometimes they are not any better than days at work. I can sleep late, so that's great. But is it really so much fun to make phone calls, and drive down to the courthouse and spend over $400 in a day, and not have anyone to talk to, and think about things too much?

I grudgingly admit that work is necessary. Often it is fulfilling. Sometimes it is fun.

It's a fallacy to think if I had enough money not to work for the rest of my life, then I'd be happy. It's easy to think that when I'm at work, tired at my desk from too many early mornings.

I wonder what the answer is to stress and anxiety. Those two monsters will never go away. But how can you manage them? But what can you do so life isn't just a reaction to one stress after another?

...

I wrote that and literally started to write, "Why am I unhappy?" and started thinking about the reasons.

Then the door bell rang. A man who looked about 19 or 20 was at the door. He wore a jacket, he was overweight and he had a friendly smile. He said he was a Christian student and was selling several books to make money for school.

The first was a cookbook full of healthy recipes. I looked at it to be polite but said I wasn't interested. So he showed me another book, a book of Christian inspirational stories with a poem on the back. I said I couldn't buy it because I've already spent too much money this month. (So true.)

Then he brought out a small book titled Happiness for Life. It had a hummingbird sucking nectar out of a flower on the cover. He said there was no charge for this one.

The title was so blaringly obvious I almost had to laugh. And yet I took the book the way a hungry fish takes the bait at the end of a fishing line. I gave him $2 out of my wallet for it (even though it was supposedly free), thanked him and sent him on his way with a bottle of water.

Is there really such a thing as happiness for life? Was this person God's messenger, sent with what I needed to hear? Or just a student selling books to make cash and selling people on a concept they want to believe exists?

To the author's credit the book is actually much less simplistic than I expected given the title. The chapters are about repentance, commitment, obedience and prayer. Nothing about how God wants you to have a million dollars or if you pray you will get whatever you want. The book is 61 pages (not two or five, like most religious tracts are), and thankfully doesn't include diagrams.

The final chapter is titled "Happiness for Life."

Was Jesus happy? Says the book, "It is often said that Jesus wept, but that He was never known to smile. Our Savior was indeed a Man of Sorrows, and acquainted with grief, for He opened His heart to all the woes of men."

As for happiness, "The life of those who imitate Him will be full of earnest purpose; they will have a deep sense of personal responsibility. Levity will be repressed; there will be no boisterous merriment, no rude jesting; but the religion of Jesus gives peace like a river."

Ack, personal responsibility.

"Happiness that is sought from selfish motives, outside of the path of duty, is ill-balanced, fitful, and transitory; it passes away, and the soul is filled with loneliness and sorrow; but there is joy and satisfaction in the service of God; the Christian is not left to walk in uncertain paths; he is not left to vain regrets and disappointments. If we do not have the pleasures of this life we may still be joyful in looking to the life beyond."

I believe it but Happiness for Life is a seriously deceptive title.