It's snowing again

My new favorite at Starbucks: the caramel brulee latte.

I've been thinking about what would make me really happy in the new year, and the thing that popped into my mind was writing. Sometimes I think it's so stupid to write these posts that no one reads. To vent my emotions through writing when no one will listen seems like a personal failure to me sometimes.

I think about all the meetings and parties and dinners where I've sat silent and listened and just waited for it to be over after having given up hope of getting a word in edge-wise. Maybe this is a bad thing, but it seems my whole life I've had a different way of connecting. Writing is what makes me feel alive. This is where I can say what I want to say. This is where I can be myself. Even if it's stupid or needy I *need* to write.

It disappoints me that I have stopped developing as a writer. Being a writer is being an artist, it's developing your skill with practice and with reading and appreciating things that aren't crap. I can still write a paragraph (fortunately) but I feel like a tenth-grader could out-write me at this point.

I'm not sure what this means, if I'll do another month of writing a blog post every day, or start working on some long essay-type posts, or try to get published somewhere. But I think part of why I have felt so lifeless is because I've stopped writing. Time to wake up.

Favorite things I watched, read, listened to in 2010

(Yes, I know, not all of these were actually released in 2010):

Books

The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing

Lost in Translation: A Life in a New Language by Eva Hoffman

Where Men Win Glory by Jon Krakauer

The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway

Heaven: Our Enduring Fascination with the Afterlife by Lisa Miller

Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith by Kathleen Norris

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson

The Path to Power: The Years of Lyndon Johnson, Volume 1 by Robert A. Caro


Movies

Inception

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

Broadcast News

Cemetery Man

Cinema Paradiso

The Best of Youth

The Social Network

Departures

District 9

Devil



TV

Prime Suspect

Top Chef

In Treatment

Chopped

Castle

Music

Yay for the year of the iPod Touch!

Begin to Hope by Regina Spektor

"Baby, I Love You" by Aretha Franklin

"Whatcha See Is Whatcha Get" by The Dramatics

Bach Double Violin Concerto

"Alejandro" by Lady Gaga

The Overture & The Underscore by Sarah Blasko

"Labios Compartidos" by Mana

Something I listened to on the drive home:

But Sister Anna Joseph Van Acker says she's weary of shallow relationships rooted in texting and Twitter — and finds the depth she's looking for in God. "He has the love you don't find by someone leaving a message on your Facebook wall," she says. "It's way better than someone saying, 'I'm eating pizza for dinner right now,' or whatever your Facebook status says right now. You don't get fulfilled by that. Ultimately, all you want is more. And here, we're thirsting for more, but we're constantly receiving more as well."

- Somehow the kitchen now has about a million cookies in it, and I feel obligated to help out by eating them. I think I might gain 10 lbs. by the end of the holidays.

- I had a super-productive day in which I cleaned the fish tank and the bathroom, did laundry, washed the car, and finished my Christmas shopping. Wow, I am usually more of a slacker.

- Mark Zuckerberg, Person of the Year. I have to say I don't see him as a likeable person, but then again my perception of him is based on his "60 Minutes" interview and Jesse Eisenberg's portrayal in "The Social Network." Also if there is something I find annoying or too intrusive about Facebook I always personally blame Mark Zuckerberg. I don't know if that is a fair thing to do...

Have a listen

Three-day weekend to look forward to. Ugh, why am I so cranky lately? I go to bed early but somehow feel like I never sleep enough.

I'm trying to be less of a Grinch: I signed up to make cookies for the office holiday party.

I complain sometimes but in all honesty 2010 turned out to be a pretty good year.

Maybe another resolution for 2011 should be to to post more links and more well-informed opinions and not just these tired musings. Oh, but how I love tired musings.

This is hilarious.

So I feel like I'm inching closer to being a recluse, despite a few attempts to engage. Another resolution, stop being a recluse, but it's hard to get motivated. I feel like I'm stunningly awkward when I try to talk. I can never say the right thing. I am tired of trying.

- What a creepy story.

- "Bea Arthur was a truck-driving Marine," says The Smoking Gun. Not explained is why she denied her service even when she was in her late 70s. Hmm...

- 140 page views this week. Thank you, Sun Bowl searchers.

It's taken me awhile to truly appreciate Christmas lights, but I think this is finally the year.

Any volunteers?

Something I've been thinking about lately: I should volunteer more. Maybe it's because I'm shy and not a natural leader but I tend not to volunteer for things. Looking for volunteers in the church nursery? No, I'm not good with kids. Money to buy winter coats for children? Nope, I'm trying to save. At work, looking for people to bring food for a potluck? Well, I could but what if people don't like what I make?

But then I think what a sad world it would be if everyone were like me. $0 to buy coats. No office potlucks. Nowhere for kids to go at church. I always assume "someone else will do it." Oh, that nice lady who doesn't have a regular job, she will do it. Those people making buckets of money will donate, my co-worker who's a lot bossier than me will take charge of the meal. But I know that's a bad attitude to take. Maybe someone will step up, but what if they don't?

I also kinda think volunteer projects are a lot for show and often to pad people's resumes, but even if they are for show, well, good things are still being accomplished. And many people do have a genuine spirit of generosity about the work.

So this is something to work on, an early New Year's resolution.

I had a conversation last night where I know I sounded really depressed. To the point where my friend asked me, "Are you OK? You seem down." And I said I'll be OK, I just need to sleep. Which was true, since I had one sleepless night this week, then worked the early shift Friday and was pretty wiped out by Friday night. Strange things start to happen when I don't sleep.

But I have to admit my emotional state hasn't been OK for awhile, and it goes beyond one sleepless night. I need to be more honest with myself than I've been.

I ask myself, what do I need to do to get out of this state? I make plans to do x, y, and z and hope they are the right prescription to move forward. That's all I can do, really.