30

What I wrote on Friday:

I'm two days away from being 30. I go back and forth on whether it is a big deal or not. I guess I made it a big deal with my 30 things project. On the other hand, I am doing less for my birthday this year than I did last year. I'm not having a party. I'm going to dinner with my family, but it seems like I do that every week. I'm not making a big purchase. I'm not changing jobs. I'm working the day before and the day after my birthday. The day feels mundane to me. I feel like there *must* be more drama.

Maybe I don't want to make more of a big deal because I don't want to feel old. I already feel old. A few weeks ago I asked my mom when she first got varicose veins. She said not until her late 30s. Sort of a relief, but it's not really that far in the future. My face isn't what it used to be, I think about sunscreen use more often than I used to. I worry about accumulating paunch if I don't watch what I eat. This seems pretty vain but I almost cried a few weeks ago thinking that my body is never going to be what it was.

In some other life maybe I'd have a big party but all I can think of is the awkwardness of who to invite and who will actually show up and the expense of it. My friends also aren't what they used to be. Not that I don't have friends, but there's not a group of people I would automatically think of to invite for a big, fun celebration.

Eh, but I am not in a terrible place in my life. I have an amazing boyfriend. My job is steady and interesting and absorbing. I have no health problems at the moment. My family is wonderful. Many blessings.

I was reading an interview with Candice Bergen in New York Magazine where she says, "It’s a privilege to get old." It is. It's experience that makes you better -- better in your career, better at managing life in general. And it's not automatic that you even get the privilege of being older, only by the grace of God do we live another day, another year, another moment.

*****************************************************************************

So I've passed the day and it was a tired, hectic, headache-y day that felt more like an obstacle course than a celebration. And I cried at the end of it. I really did have a good cry, and I'm not sure why that emotion came out, but it was not pure joy on my 30th birthday, it was happiness and sadness and anxiety and pain in my head. I feel so much better two days after the fact, having jumped the fence to the land of being a "big kid," and really, nothing has changed.

Isn't there a saying, "Do one thing every day that scares you"? If you're not doing that, you're not really living. Many days go by when I don't do a thing that scares me. But the days I do the thing and succeed, those are the best days. I think of this because last week I did something that scared me to death and could have gone up in flames at any moment. But it didn't and now I am so glad that I tried it. I should do more things like that. I say that now but when the thing goes up in flames I won't feel that way.