Monday, November 21, 2011

Bleak week

Last week was one of the worst in recent memory. I was facing a development that rocked the work boat to the extreme. Meanwhile most of my friends were facing different (and far worse) crises of their own, making me both sad for them and hesitant to burden them with my comparatively lightweight problems.

I feel so tired of the daily routine. And I've really been doubting myself, more than usual. I'm not half as important as I used to think I was. I have stopped thinking I'm smart. I've never thought I was pretty. I don't know how to write anymore. I am lonely and don't think I'm a good friend to anybody.

I don't really like November. Cold and cloudy, short days, winter jackets. The cold months get me down, this year is no exception.

I'm definitely entering a new chapter of my life, work-wise. Things are not going to be the same, and it's not really by choice but I have to deal. Not only at work but otherwise, too. I started up my 30 things blog with the idea that I'd try some new things, and I have. I've done more than I've written about, actually. I've read through Walden again and got myself a Twitter account, I've run a 5K and listened to some fantastic new (old) music. Joni Mitchell, where have you been all my life? It has been invigorating (until this week anyway, when everything came to a screeching halt) but it's also been a thoughtful time, where I haven't even cared if I've shut myself in the house for a whole day reading or listening to an album a couple of times. Sometimes I feel like the "solitary me" and the "work me" wouldn't get along if they met each other. I am two different people, I wonder if this is a bad thing?

I guess being sad sometimes is a natural part of life. I've dealt with it horribly, though, and I haven't been accepting of it as a process. I've blamed myself and berated myself. I haven't been honest about my emotions. Maybe the best thing to do is just be vulnerable and experience it then get over it, not fight it or try to cover it up with things like food or shopping or working too much. Then I will feel OK again.

No comments: