I'm still here

I don't know what's with me and blogging lately. I guess I'm at a bit of a loss right now. Maybe it's just that I'm trying to change certain things about my life, too much of which I think is spent online. The other day I realized I spend more time checking my e-mail than reading books. My God, do I need to check my e-mail three times a day only to realize each time that NO ONE e-mailed me? Is it doing me any good?

Likewise with Facebook. I can't think of much good Facebook has done for me, except made me wonder what's really going on in my "friend"s' lives that I'm getting a glance at but not really knowing about. It has been a mistake to think that I'm still friends with people just because I'm friends with them on Facebook. I'm wondering if I'll offend anyone if I just delete my Facebook altogether.


And following along with that I question the value of blogging. Why do I do it? I confess sometimes (OK, often) it has been an emotional payoff. I wonder if I'm exhausted my limit for free blog therapy, venting my problems online, which feels good temporarily but never seems to solve anything.

Too often online life subsitutes for real and that's the source of my dissatisfaction. Not that the Internet isn't amazing and miraculous, yada, yada, but somehow I imagine myself as this vibrant person, always up and about doing exciting and not boring things, and lately I realize that is exactly the person I am NOT, and I think my computer time has something to do with that. More often than not, weekends are spent communing with a screen. I go days without leaving the house at all. Why don't I get off my butt and actually DO something, something that involves moving around and seeing new places and looking at people in the eye when I'm talking to them? I think that's what I need to be doing, now more than ever.


But I'm not ready to leave blogging behind, because, well, writing is what I do. I just read this by Andrew Sullivan, which has generated some fresh enthusiasm in me for blogging. We'll see how long that lasts. I suppose what I got out of the article is not to take blogging too seriously. I keep starting posts and not ever publishing them, trying to get the words right, quick to delete anything that could possibly offend anyone who reads this, wringing my hands and then deciding better of publishing anything because it's "too personal," but that's just ridiculous. I think I've already said enough to hang myself, the real me has already been unleashed, no use in censoring her now.

So I'm back, albeit with the resolution to live less online. I can't promise anything about posting more frequently. But I have enjoyed writing for the blog and I'm not throwing in the towel just yet.